I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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