Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
