considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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