I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
