Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
