I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
