In the future we'll all be gay
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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