and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
