I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
