also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
