Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
