This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Drunk is a universal language darling
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
