that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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