we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
