Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
