If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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