my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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