I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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