FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
