Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
