An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
