My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
