when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
