you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
