for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
