thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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