Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
