I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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