My first STD was from a foam party
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
