I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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