Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My ass is underappreciated
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
