You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
