Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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