So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
