i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
