Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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