I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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