Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
