I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
