he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
