sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
