I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Houston, we have a squirter
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
