1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
