We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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