This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
