Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
