Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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