Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It was like getting head from an anaconda
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
