i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
