i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
